i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
