I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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