I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
