I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
