I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
