Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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