I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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