You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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