If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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