atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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