I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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