my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
