Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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