Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
