You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
