I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
