If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
