Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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