i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
