I molested 6 butterflies tonight
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
