I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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