according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
