oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
