is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
