Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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