ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
