There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
