Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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