First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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