I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
