This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
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