I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
