I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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