I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
