Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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