I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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