the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
