I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
