Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
