He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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