Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
