I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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