Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
