oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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