i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
