I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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