There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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