the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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