This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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