remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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