He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
