I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
