The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
