I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
