Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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