Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
