tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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