my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I supernannyed him into submission
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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