whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
