I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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